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No Elf On This Shelf

I will always cherish these days of childhood–the constant cuddles, the waking 3x at night, the pure joy at the sight of snow, the scream crying because car seat, the absence of a Facebook profile so they don’t see what shenanigans the elf on the shelf is up to at the cool moms’ houses.

As if there weren’t enough mandatory activities with parenting–diaper changing, making a lunch no one eats every day, being up 3x a night, here struts that damn elf with that ridiculous grin on his face.

NO!

Also the whole Big Brother is watching you element?

NO!

Also I have to be clever for 24 days? I give me 3 nights before forgetting for a week while my 4yo silently worries each night that Pudding Sparklepants forgot about her.

NO!

Also just no.

Who’s with me? Who loves their elf? I want to know. I have one more year before these kids start talking and my oldest asks me where her elf is. And you know when she asks, my hardline will evaporate. 😂

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Parenting: My Perfect Children Are Perfect

Parents in my neck of the woods, and I’m sure yours too, are pressured to be able to do it all with minimal help and a smile on our faces. And we ARE doing it! ALL! Perfectly. With smiles on our faces, always! And tweeting about it (follow me @penandthimble)!

As I write this at 3:38 in the afternoon, I’m totally showered (nope), makeup on (what is a makeup?), dressed in clothes I could answer the door in (nope), and not at all nursing my 19 month-old while she does some painful boob twisting acrobatics thing (whyyy?). Doing it all!

Since I’m so perfect, and so are you, it is no surprise that our children are perfectly perfect in all the things.

My perfect children are happy and polite always. My 19-month old has never cried because she wanted a different water bottle. Neither has my 4yo. Not once! They love all bottles equally!

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My perfect little perfectionists started reading at 12mo. To themselves. Their favorite books are It by Stephen King and any lift-the-flap books they can get her hands on.

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She *read* the merchandizing plan, naturally.

My perfect-y perfect delights love balanced whole-grain, home-cooked meals three times a day (with one healthy snack at 4). I know this is how it is in my house. I could never imagine a life wherein my kid only eats french fries and cookies all day. And snacks all day long. And we never eat take-out. Ever. Real talk, my kids have never eaten a french fry in their life.

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My sweet babies of perfection take no interest in screen time because TV is gross and my kids are sacred jewels who hate the idea of TV and screens.

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My perfectly perfect children are in bed by 7pm and awake by 7am dressed, hair in a bow, teeth brushed, ready to start the day with a smile–that’s just how she wakes up! Yours too, right?
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Since I have been #blessed with self-regulating, non-snacking, reading-on-their-own toddlers, I try to fill my long days to myself with long bubble baths, journaling, naps, and just being, well…perfect! Which I’ll tell you all about in another blog post some day!

Spoilers:

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PS. Want to get your little bundles of perfection something extra? Help them clean up with a FREE reusable napkin with every $15+ purchase in my Etsy shop now through Thanksgiving!